My resting bitch voice

Some think I’m upset, others think I’m an asshole… when really, I’m just talking!

I have a unique deep raspy voice, it’s a thing.

I lost my voice temporarily during chemo, and it came back with a unique rasp or timbre.  I lovingly call it my whisky voice, and whoa does it travel! I can be heard.  With my deeper tone, are also deeper reasons people trigger off of it.

I often wondered why I would have opposite days. What is it about what I’m putting out there that is not being received for what it was?  This became noticeable during my attempts to socialize during my Cancer treatment.  For example, when a friend of mine asked me how I was doing, and I responded with “awesome”, he responded with “I’m sorry to hear that”.  Whoa… seriously?  Are we having the same conversation? Apparently not.

This happened again that summer after a camping weekend with friends, on our way home we stopped for dinner and during the group meal I was asked if I was upset. Far from it, again I was in a super good mood, and respond with “I’m awesome” but then also laughed at the incongruency of it and asked why… why were my friends who shared the same awesome weekend checking in? And with the love, my friends identified that my resting bitch voice is a thing!  Huzzah moment!

If you’re being triggered by my speaking timbre, and subsequently responding not to the words – These are your emotions, not mine! That being said, it is MY voice.

This brings me to transference. This happens when an emotional experience (usually from childhood) is triggered, and then applied to a current experience. I get this a lot, it can be confusing.

When one experiences the redirection of past feelings towards a new situation, these feelings are not necessarily representative of the current situation! But rather a representative of the past emotional state being triggered.  And then I think about how few people are aware it can happen, or is happening.

Knowing this… I do my best to do personal inventory.

I’m also  learning to speak slower, softer, and choose my words carefully.